Our First Walk Alone, but we're never really alone

Yes, it's true. On Tuesday, when John turned 8 weeks old, John and I finally took our first walk alone, all the way to the library - 15 houses away and back. You may snigger at that, but don't. That is actually quite far for me still, especially after getting me dressed and fed, feeding, burping, and dressing John, getting him in his carseat. Getting the carseat caddy and all our gear ready, and then carrying all 13 pounds of John, plus however many pounds that heavy carseat weighs, to the carseat caddy. It was a very big job for me. But I just needed some fresh air and a change of scenery. We made it to the library, and I attempted to start reading The history of Joseph Smith Jr., written by his mother, Lucy Mack Smith. But John only slept for a few minutes (see adorable photo below), and that was as I was pushing and pulling his carseat while I sat. To say the least, it wasn't the reading repose I'd hoped for, and the sky threatened rain anyhow, so we walked back home. It was a great accomplishment, and although it kind of wore me out for the rest of the day, I am glad we went. I LOVE walks, and I love to be outside, and soon it will be too cold, and I will miss going for walks, so I want to get a few in during the fall if I can.

Well, I've really been missing church, and I am glad we've gone the past couple weeks, but not without some consequences that have made me rethink my decision to go back after 5 weeks. The reason being that our whole family got sick. And I am almost positive it was from church. There have been so many sick people at church. A symphony of coughing, sneezing, and runny noses to boot. It made me nervous, all the people wanting to talk to me and adore our cute baby - I really don't blame them and am thankful for their love. But this experience has really changed my mind about going to church when you are sick because it puts others in danger of catching your illness, especially little babies and the mothers and fathers who take care of them, not to mention the elderly people as well. I repent of ever judging people who didn't come to church when they were sick, because I think I used to because I thought that everyone needs church, even the sick people - especially me  because I've been 'the sick people' very often for many years. But if it's contagious, I think it's better to find a way to worship at home and have the sacrament administered to you there. This will also provide an opportunity to rest and get better faster and puts less people in danger.

We caught a terrible cold. I started feeling a headache, sore throat, and just aches all over on Monday. On Tuesday night, it had really progressed, and it was clear that Seth and I both were sick. I was so worried about John getting sick, or me getting so sick that I wouldn't be able to care for him on my own, and that Seth wouldn't be able to go to work. Seth was so kind to give me and John Priesthood blessings which promised that we would recover from this illness, and that it would not harm John, and that he would continue to grow strong and healthy. I was so comforted by that. I was also blessed that I would have the strength and energy to fulfill my duties as a wife and mother. I was very thankful for this.

We got through Wednesday alright, but Thursday, I was laid very low. The sinus headache and congestion was so bad that I admit that I cried, it hurt so. The pressure was so intense it even hurt my eyes, my eardrums and my teeth. I am grateful to Seth, and his bosses, that he could come work from home in the afternoon and take care of us. The medicine from the store relieved the pressure only slightly, but the pain was still intense.

Seth couldn't work from home on Friday, and I knew I could not care for John by myself if I was still that sick, and by then John was also getting sick. I felt so worried, and I prayed fervently that the Lord would ease the pressure so that I would be able to function, and that I would get a little sleep and be able to take care of my sick child through the night and the next day. 

It was not fun, but I am thankful for this experience because it reminded me again of the Lord's power, and that He answers prayers. On Thursday night I did get a couple hours sleep and the sinus pressure was greatly relieved. The illness settled more into my nose and throat, but it was so much better than the sinus headache and congestion. On Friday, I physically and spiritually felt the strength that the Lord was sending to me, and I was able to care for John. I know He answered my prayer. He did not take the illness away, but He 'eased the burdens which were put upon my shoulders, that even I could not feel them upon my back while I was ill... and this the Lord did for me that I could know of a surety that the Lord God does visit His people in their afflictions.' (Mosiah 24:14) I've learned, yet again, that we are never really alone.

Now Seth and I are gradually recovering and feel much better - I think we'll be alright in a couple days, and John is still feeling really crummy, but at least we are more able to help him now than we were before. It is a blessing that these sicknesses have been a bit staggered, so now we can take care of John while he's sick, and I don't mind holding and patting and singing him to sleep while he's sick and can't nap on his own. He is so patient, and I can already tell that this little soul has character. He is a real trooper, and I am so thankful to be his mother.

Keeping a Record

You may wonder why and how I have been blogging so much. Well, before I had John, I was trying to write in my journal every day. I know the importance of keeping a record of your life. We are frequently reminded by prophets and apostles about how crucial it is to write down your spiritual promptings, your thoughts, your challenges, your triumphs, your hopes and dreams, your worries, and some of your everyday happenings. I love this talk by the prophet, President Spencer W. Kimball, "The Angels May Quote From It". Read it. You'll love it too, and you'll probably be inspired to keep your own record. Some excerpts that move me are these:
Your own private journal should record the way you face up to challenges that beset you. Do not suppose life changes so much that your experiences will not be interesting to your posterity.

No one is commonplace, and I doubt if you can ever read a biography from which you cannot learn something from the difficulties overcome and the struggles made to succeed. These are the measuring rods for the progress of humanity.

As we read the stories of great men, we discover that they did not become famous overnight nor were they born professionals or skilled craftsmen. The story of how they became what they are may be helpful to us all.

Your own journal, like most others, will tell of problems as old as the world and how you dealt with them. Your journal should contain your true self rather than a picture of you when you are “made up” for a public performance.

Your journal is your autobiography, so it should be kept carefully. You are unique, and there may be incidents in your experience that are more noble and praiseworthy in their way than those recorded in any other life. There may be a flash of illumination here and a story of faithfulness there; you should truthfully record your real self and not what other people may see in you.

Your story should be written now while it is fresh and while the true details are available.

I don't want to forget the important moments and thoughts that I have as our little family grows up. And I enjoy writing. It keeps my mind fresh, and helps to empty my heavy head of some of the thoughts always flooding my brain. For the times when I haven't been able to record my thoughts and feelings because of illness, or times when I just didn't do it, there are gaps in my memory. If I had kept a record, it might have been easier for me to understand my feelings

These are the journals I wrote in college

 For years, I used to write in a journal by hand. Sometimes I would write for hours and hours. I would paste in letters and pictures. Now, I treasure these journals that I have filled. Once in a while, I revisit them. Tears flow freely at my little troubles and evidences of my own faith and growth. I think that the time I spent thinking and writing made me a better writer, thinker, speaker and teacher.

When life got busier, I started typing my journal in Google docs and printing them and putting them in binders, but I didn't include pictures because it was overwhelming to do that and send pictures to my family.

At this stage of my life, it was hard to have the motivation to keep up my journal the way I was doing it because I wanted to include pictures of my little family. So I have, in some respects, switched to blogging my journal. Someday, my method for keeping my record could change. I don't think that there is one perfect way for everyone to keep their record. Each will be different. But for me, blogging is great right now. I can record my thoughts quickly - I'm getting faster and more accurate at typing, and I can easily include pictures. Then I can print my blog for a family record. And if there is ever a fire, my record will not be lost, thank goodness. Someday when I have heaps of time (when will that be? I don't know), I need to typed up and save all my written journals.

I hope that I will be able to keep a record of "my true self rather than a picture of [me] when [I] am made up for public performance." Some experiences are too sacred or private to share with everyone, so I will record those elsewhere. But perhaps some of my musings may be helpful to others, it may brighten their day, or give them faith and courage to face their own foes. And perhaps this record will help those I love to know the real me better.
Blogging gives me more motivation to do it because I know that somebody might read it, even if it is only my mom or my sister, that makes me happy. And I just love getting comments. In a way, it makes me feel kind of like Kathleen Kelly on "You've Got Mail," "I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail." Well, I don't have to wait for that awful dial-up internet anymore, but it's a similar principle. It just makes me feel excited to know that people care about my ideas, my thoughts, my family, my life. It is also easier to stay in touch and keep people up-to-date that way. And it is just not as fun to journal without pictures or videos, so blogging is a great situation for me since I have more motivation to take pictures of my beautiful family and our adventures. So, to all you dear readers, a big thank you from me and probably from my posterity too.

Get a notebook, a journal that will last through all time, and maybe the angels may quote from it for eternity. Begin today and write in it your goings and comings, your deepest thoughts, your achievements and your failures, your associations and your triumphs, your impressions and your testimonies.

Making Dinners Again - Monthly Menu Planner

Today I am thankful that food is no longer torture, nor is it a chore for me, as it was during pregnancy. I can eat food and even enjoy it. But, after John's delivery, I became very stressed out about what to eat. What should Seth buy at the grocery store? What's for dinner tonight? It sound like simple questions, but it caused me immense grief because I really had no idea - neither did Seth. So I prayed about how I could possibly feed Seth and myself while I was still recovering, and when I haven't made dinners since last November. Thankfully, God always answers prayers.

TaDa! Here is the answer. I call it our Monthly Menu Planner. Fashionably constructed out of 5 baseball card holder sheets, markers and 3X5 cards cut in half.

I made this a few years ago, and we used it regularly until I radically changed my diet, and we mostly ate a different salad for dinner every day, or I tried a new recipe. I got out of the habit of using it, and it just sat there, useless, magnetted to our fridge... until now!

A lot of my cards had meals that are too complicated and time consuming for me to make right now. So, on Saturday, Seth and I brainstormed ideas of easy meals that even I could make between feeding times for John. I will admit that they are not as nutritious as the meals I made before I got pregnant, but hey! I am just proud of myself for making any dinners at all, and it's better than fast food or frozen pizza every day and much less expensive. And at least I can eat salad now, multiple times a week, and keep it down, and I do.

- And to make dinners easier and doable for right now, I have put a "Take Out" card in each week. (So far I haven't had to use it yet because we've had so many left overs and garden produce. In this picture that zucchini IS as big as you think, and it's not the biggest one we've had this summer. One day they're tiny, and then when you remember to go out and harvest it, it's huge!

-I also make sure we have a frozen meal each week so that 2 days of the week, I don't have to make dinner.

- And my blessed husband usually makes dinner on the weekends, so I always plan for something that he likes to make on those days. He's a great cook, and I am so thankful he's willing to bless us with his talents.

- And I also make enough dinner each time so that there will be plenty of left-overs for lunch the next day, so there is no stress about making another meal for myself as I try to get through the day taking care of my sweet little baby. 

- And if it will freeze well, I make enough for 2 dinners and freeze 1 portion to use in a few weeks.

-And Seth doesn't have to pack a lunch, because we just put some dinner in containers and then into his lunch box as we clean up dinner each night. I tell you it is a WIN WIN WIN situation!

- You can buy baseball card holder sheets at Target or Walmart - usually behind the register by all the baseball cards, but sometimes they are in weird places and you have to find someone to ask where they are.

- Take 4 card holders and place them upside down and tape them together with some packing tape. Make sure the openings all go the same way.

- Since there are 7 days a week, you'll need an extra. Cut 2 strips that hold 3 cards each, and tape those on too.

- Then cut a heap of 3X5 cards in half and write the name of the dinner on the front and the ingredients on the back. If the dinner comes from a recipe, write on the card where to find it.

- When you go grocery shopping each week, or every 2 weeks, however you do it, pull out all your cards for that week and you will know exactly what ingredients to buy at the store.

- Since you will then have all the ingredients, you can switch it up if you need to during the week. If one day, you just don't have time to make Tuesday's planned meal, just switch it and have Friday's dinner. :)

- It is really nice to plan out a whole month of meals in advance. There can be repeats if you have some meals that you like a lot. And it is great to have variety so you don't get so sick of one certain meal. And at the end of the month, you can shuffle your cards and put them back in, or put new ones in.

I wish I had done this before I had John. I think it would have made the first month much less stressful, but I was still having a hard time with food, so it just didn't happen. But if you are going to have a baby soon, have already had one, or 2,3,4,5,6 etc., or if you just have yourself to cook for, maybe this could help you too.

I wish you happy planning and months of stress-free dinners!

This year we had 14 tomato plants that flourished! Seriously, we didn't expect that. And there have been so many tomatoes, we haven't been able to use a ton of them. I would say most of the baby tomatoes, which take so long to harvest, and a lot of bending over, have gotten over-ripe, split and have fallen to the ground. I just have to comfort myself about that with the fact that it's good for the soil, and next year our garden will be even better :) But, I just can't let the big tomatoes go to waste. It makes me to sad. So, I made this Fresh Tomato Soup Recipe 

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which my dear sister, Hannah, had made for us when she came to help. It was a lot of work, and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been overloaded with tomatoes, but I really was. I didn't have any chicken stock on hand, so I just added some butter, which made it even more delicious! And I think I added more sugar - didn't measure - and it tasted great. I doubled the recipe and it used 20 cups of tomatoes. Woah. We really did have a lot of tomatoes that I certainly was not going to can. I also used half the celery the recipe calls for and substituted with more carrots - also grown in our garden :) 

The Bee Bee Bee Game and the Barkers

We went to church on Sunday too, even me. I thoroughly enjoyed sacrament meeting. It was uplifting, and I was inspired by the sacred music and heartfelt testimonies. We also had the first part of our temple recommend interviews. That is a wonderful opportunity to be introspective and evaluate your life. 

I am now wondering if we should have gone to church there - with hundreds of people, many of whom are very sick but come to church anyway, and lots of whom want to admire our adorable baby. It made me feel worried, and for good reason. We are all sick now. 

It scared me to be sick because sometimes I get really really sick and it's hard to care for myself, let alone my precious little John. And him being sick too just hurts my heart. It is awful to see him be uncomfortable and hear him cry when I have done everything I can possibly do for him, and now we just have to wait it out. 

Seth gave us Priesthood blessings tonight which promised that we would recover and not be harmed by this illness, whatever it is, and that John would continue to grow and be healthy, and gain strength every day. I was blessed to be able to fulfill my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I am so thankful that Seth worthily holds and exercises the Priesthood to bless our family. I pray that he will recover too. Right now, it's nothing serious. Probably just colds and sore throats. I hope that it will continue to not be serious and to just pass us by.

Well, here they are, folks! Pictures of the "Bee Bee Bee Game." As I mentioned earlier, this game is when I tap on John's lips and say Bee Bee Bee (or really any other vowel after "B") in a high pitched voice, and he smiles and laughs. It is so fun! Thanks to our expert photographer, Daddy, for capturing these.

 

These are the 3 Barkers, Emily, William (aka: Guillermo), and Sam - soon to be the 4 Barkers. We are so excited for their new baby to come! The Barkers have been our dear friends since we moved to Cleveland 4 years ago. They had moved here just a little bit before us, and it has been so fun to enjoy our Cleveland journey together.

The Barkers are some of the most good, interesting, wise, fun and wholesome people we've ever met. They are the salt of the earth. They help Seth and me want to be better people. They make the world a happier place. On Sunday night we really enjoyed having the Barker's over for a visit and they brought us yummy pineapple sherbet and some lemon bars and cookies. It was fun to talk about our parenting experiences and share ideas. Seth and I told about our date night on Saturday. We had it all planned to watch a movie and eat some delicious Graeter's Coconut Chocolate Chip Icecream. We started the movie, but it was inappropriate, so we turned it off 5 minutes in. Then I fed John and got him back to bed, and it was so late by then that it was too late for a movie and we were tired, so we did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and folded the laundry together and called it a night :) The Barker's (and many others) had told us that our lives would never be the same after we became parents. They were right. But we're all glad about that. Seth said, "Our life was really good before, but now...it's just enriched." We really enjoyed William being fascinated by our cat, and playing with toys, using his extensive vocabulary in English and Spanish, his fake laugh, learning to drink from a cup - kind of - really he liked to splash the water in his face and then dumped it on Sam's lap :), and when it was time to leave he didn't want to go. He waved and said "Bye Bye" to us upon departure and even tried to say our names. Same said that meant he had lots of fun. We are thankful for these lifelong friends and we are glad that they are official Clevelander's so we know they aren't going to move away. Hopefully we won't!

Parenting - Only upon the Principles of Righteousness and Preparing for General Conference

I feel so thankful that Seth and I have been blessed to be the parents of this special son of ours. He is so precious, and we want so much to do what is best for him.  So far he is doing so great! He slept from 11pm-5am again last night! Woohoo! We are so excited about that, and we are loving that he is becoming more and more alert during the day. We are improving at assessing his needs and acting to meet them. Right now, we do everything for him, and we make all the decision concerning his care and for his life. But we realize that as he continues to develop, that will change.  We need to teach him how to become independent so that he can someday go out into the world on his own and succeed in life. 

For family scripture study last night, Seth and I read the talk, "Only upon the Principles of Righteousness", by Larry Y. Wilson of the Quorum of the Seventy. I felt leary about reading this talk because when I heard it originally, I was very distracted by his introduction, and I didn't like his story very much. I had also talked with others who felt confused by the examples given in this talk. But Seth helped me learn a great lesson. By giving this talk another chance, by praying about, reading and discussing this talk with my husband, I felt very uplifted and I learned much that will help us as parents in our endeavor to teach our children to become not only physically, but spiritually independent. I saw the talk in a completely different light.

Elder Wilson says, "In raising our family, we decided that our most important goal would be to help our children establish their own connection to heaven. We knew that ultimately they would need to depend on the Lord, not on us. " I feel that same way, and I often ponder how we are to help our children establish their own connection with heaven, and how we are to let them use their moral agency correctly and not make all their decisions for them. 

"Our children are in our homes for a limited time. If we wait until they walk out the door to turn over to them the reins of their moral agency, we have waited too long. They will not suddenly develop the ability to make wise decisions if they have never been free to make any important decisions while in our homes."

There are so many influences pulling for our attention in the world today, and I want our children to make good choices because they want to.  Elder Wilson says, "Wise parents prepare their children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency properly. And yes, this means children will sometimes make mistakes and learn from them." He gives an example of when he and his wife gave their daughter an opportunity to make a decision about keeping the Sabbath day holy (to play or not play in a soccer game on Sunday), and she made the wrong decision but learned from it and made a great change in her life for good, and she decided that she would always keep the Sabbath day holy from now on. 

I can understand why some parents, when listening to this talk, would feel frustrated by this example because they feel that if they gave that same decision to their child, their child would not feel bad for making the wrong choice, nor learn from their poor decision. My mom taught a lesson in Relief Society using this talk, and there was a sister there who asked what she should do in her situation. Her husband was less active and left church after sacrament meeting, or did not come at all. Her daughter did not want to go to primary (Sunday school for children). Should she let her daughter make the decision? She might never come to primary again. Compromise and let her only go half the time? She might eventually stop coming. Or make the decision for her? She might resent being forced to go to primary and have a bad experience.

This is quite a dilemma. But upon re-reading this talk, I feel that the answer to this question is here. 

"When setting firm limits for another person is in order, those limits should always be administered with loving patience and in a way that teaches eternal principles. We simply cannot force others to do the right thing. The scriptures make it clear that this is not God’s way. Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent."

This woman's daughter is still a child, and needs her mother to set a firm limit for her, but not give her the reason, "Because I said so." This mother can sit down with her daughter and explain why it is important for her to go to primary. She can ask her daughter if she has concerns about primary. Maybe she is afraid she won't make friends, and she feels lonely or nervous in primary. This is a great opportunity to teach her about prayer, and how Heavenly Father will help her and comfort her. It can be a great learning experience for both of them. 

In the specific case of Elder Wilson's daughter, Mary, she was older, and "had received answers to her prayers in other, earlier situations, and so we trusted that our daughter was developing this path of communication with heaven in her life. Thus she learned something positive from her experience and was equipped to make better choices in the future. Without a link to the Spirit, children and parents alike would be able to rationalize all sorts of poor decisions in the name of exercising their agency. The promise of scripture is that “they that are wise … and have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide [are not] deceived." (Doctrine and Covenants 45:50)

Elder Wilson and his wife didn't just say, "Whatever you want to do honey." They used the guidance of the Holy Ghost to help them know what to do. They first prayed about letting her make the decision or telling her what to do. Elder Wilson continues, "We decided after prayerful consideration that in this case our daughter was ready to take spiritual responsibility for her own decision. We read some scriptures with her and encouraged Mary to pray and think about it."

They were alarmed when she declared that she would play on Sunday. "Now what were we to do? After further discussion and receiving reassurance from the Spirit, we did as we had promised and permitted her to carry out her choice to play. After the game ended, Mary slowly walked over to her waiting mother. “Oh, Mom,” she said, “that felt awful. I never want to feel like that again. I’m never playing another game on the Sabbath day.” And she never did." 

This example shows how important it is to use the Holy Ghost as a parent. "Helping children exercise their agency properly requires teaching them how to pray and receive answers to their prayers. There must also be teaching about the value and purpose of obedience as well as about all other essential principles of the gospel."

I am thankful that I gave this talk another chance. I learned so much about how the Lord will help us to parent using the principles of righteousness. Seth and I had an excellent discussion after we read this talk, and I am so thankful and excited to be a parent with Seth. He is such a wonderful husband and father. I feel so blessed. I look forward to facing all the challenges of parenting with him on my team.

There are many more talks that have been given recently in General Conference about parenting.

"Courageous Parenting"

"Teaching Our Children to Understand"

"And a Little Child Shall Lead Them"

April 2012 General Conference

And I am really looking forward to the next General Conference. I will be listening carefully for guidance about how to be a good mother and wife, and how to help my family to be happy.

Prepare for General Conference

Life is Beautiful - First Laugh - First sleeping through the night

Last night, after Seth and I had some cuddle time, I sent him to go to sleep, and I fed John. Then he fell right to sleep in my arms. I could have put him in his bassinet and gone right to sleep - I was so sleepy, and my arms were tired and my neck hurt, but I didn't care - I didn't want to go to sleep. I wanted to savor that moment. I wanted to look at his peaceful face. I wanted to listen to him breathe and listen to the rain beating down on our roof. I wanted to enjoy our beautiful warm home. I wanted to contemplate how grateful I am for a loving, supportive, faithful, hard-working husband. How thankful I am for this living miracle in my arms. He has eyes that see, ears that hear, a heart that beats, and lungs that breathe. Every tiny part of him, from the hair on his head, to his fingers clasped around my thumb, to his wiggling toes is absolutely perfect. I felt my vision of the purpose of life broaden as I gazed upon this little baby in my arms. Life is about family. Family is meant to be eternal. I am so grateful that my family is going to be together forever. This brings me so much peace.

Yesterday, John laughed a real laugh for the first time. I had him on my lap, and I tapped his lips as I said "Bee, bee, bee!" He loved it! He smiled every time, and then he even laughed. That brought joy to my heart. John even did it again for his daddy later in the evening.

When John was a few weeks old, my friend, Lisa brought me the book,  Babywise, to try to help us get John on a flexible routine, and train him to sleep more at night than during the day, and eventually sleep through the night. It focuses on parent-directed feeding, getting in a full feeding every time, having a cycle of feeding time, awake time, then sleep time, and not using any props to help your child fall asleep. It helped us very much. And last night was the night. John went to sleep at 10:45pm, and he woke up at 5:15am - yes 5:15. That means 6.5 hours of continuous, peaceful sleep. Yipee!!! What a blessing. I hope that this pattern will continue. I think if we keep following the babywise principles, it will.

And here's a fun picture my sister, Hannah, and I took a few weeks ago. She posted this one on her blog and said,

"Headlines don't sell papes. Newsies sell papes."

I completely agree, and I am going to watch Newsies next week and sing along :)

John's 7 Week Old! 9-18-12

John is 7 weeks old! Can you believe it! Our little baby is growing up so fast. 

- He can hold his head up now whenever he is awake! 

- He is getting so much stronger; it hurts when my abdomen gets in the way of one of his big kicks. It's like the reverse of having him inside kicking out!

- John is gaining more and more control over his arms, hands and fingers. He gets his hands to his mouth when he wants to more often. And he likes to make a grabbing/scratching motion with his hands.

- He still loves to stick out his tongue, and I love to watch him when he sucks on his tongue in his sleep. And he often buzzes his lips and his tongue, especially when he's hungry.

- John can see a lot farther now, at least 5 or 6 feet, because he definitely knows when we open the door to peak in at him.
- And he can hear better too. Our stairs creak louder than any others I have ever heard, and he knows when we're coming up or going down!
- He is becoming more and more interactive. He loves to look at us, and he smiles and makes cooing sounds at us, especially when we talk to him and smile. - Oh, the joy that brings to my heart!

Tummy time on the play mat.

 Definitely blue eyes (although they could still change....maybe - I doubt it)

John's hair is starting to grow back on top. It is so soft! Sometimes, in the light it almost has a reddish tint. Seth's dad and my mom both wanted kids with red hair, maybe they'll get a red headed grandson! (unlikely, but possible). Perhaps he will have auburn hair. That's a nice word, auburn.

John is making really cute baby noises, and smiling a lot more. We love it! And I think you will too :)

Well, he didn't need a shirt to tell us how handsome he is, but he has one.

This is John's cute pouting that he does to tell us he needs a nap. - He's had the hiccups for a while - he is a hiccup machine! - and he gets really annoyed by them.

John likes to be patriotic every day of the year :) And he's waving to you. - I've been thinking lately about what a blessing it is to be an American, to live in this country. We have so many privileges, rights, and opportunities that are easy to take for granted if we aren't careful. We have so much to be thankful for. Every night we go to sleep in our warm beds, in a safe and beautiful place where we enjoy our privacy and security. I am grateful for that. And I am thankful to know that John will be so blessed as he grows up to live in the land of opportunity. I do hope we'll be able to go to places with our family where we can learn more about and from people who are less fortunate, and that we might be able to help them.

More adorable noises and smiles.

Chillin' in his bunny seat.

Put up your dukes!

Showing off his chubby legs, kicking skills and sneezing abilities.

Splish splash, John was takin' a bath!













John doesn't mind baths, we think he actually likes them, when it's not too cold in the house. He goes pretty wild and squirms all around when we try to wash his face, but otherwise, he just enjoys the water, and tries to put his soapy wrists in his mouth.













Yo, yo, yo! Party at the Wagner's house!

















He just looked so adorable all wrapped up in his towel. We just love our little boy!

P.S. My sister-in-law, Lani had her baby girl (her 6th child) yesterday! (She had the baby 3 minutes after she got to the hospital. Crazy.) Mom and baby are doing well, and we are so excited. Congratulations Hacking family! John is so excited to meet his new cousin :) And so are we.

26 Birthday Blessings

Well friends, it's true! I turned 26 on Sunday, September 16, 2012. It seems just the same as 25, but I guess I'm inching closer and closer to 30, and that doesn't sound as old to me as it used to, especially because Seth will turn 30 in January. Let's face it, we're just adults. I think of that every time I pay our bills. Bills? I pay bills? I must be an adult. And I suppose the thing that makes you even more of an adult is being a parent. And I am one now, but not many things could ever make me feel more childlike and needing the Lord's help. Anyways, I had a great birthday! And I thought I'd count my blessings - to 26 of course, because more than that would make for a blog post that I'm just not up to writing - which are so many.

1. Seriously, if you just put a bow on this little guy's head, I can't think of a better present than that! - It's gotten chilly in Cleveland, so we are finally putting clothes on John. Well, sometimes. He's just a little heater box. And he overheats if we put him in clothes and a swaddling blanket. But we have to swaddle him, otherwise his flailing arms hit himself in the face and wake him up. So most of the time, this cutie is only decked out in a diaper.

But he's sooo cute in clothes! 

2. So, I'm a little excited that I can get him dressed sometimes, and just look at that hoodie! Adorable. Ok, enough of my raving about our beautiful boy. Onto the festivities!

John is all dressed up on Saturday, ready for our very first family outing! (Seth said that we all went to church together, but I hardly think that counts.) For my birthday, I wanted to get some fresh air and go apple picking! at our favorite orchard, Eddy Fruit Farm. Actually, it's the only one we had been to before Saturday, but we love it. It's in such a gorgeous area called Chesterland with amazing trees all around. - Ohio has so many beautiful trees! (Seth and I want to have a house someday in a place like Chesterland, where you have a bit of land, and your neighbor isn't too far away, but you can't see into their kitchen window.)

Last year, we went to Eddy's a few times, and it was amazing how many apples we can eat when they're fresh off the tree - delicious! 

3. And it just gives you a different perspective about food, seeing how it really grows, instead of feeling like it actually comes from the grocery store. It's a miracle that food can grow from a little seed.

We took a different route to Chesterland, and saw this beautiful historic village. All the houses were white with black shutters, it felt like we'd gone back in time. 

4. I love looking at old houses, and Cleveland is a wonderful place for that. They're everywhere! Subdivisions pretty much don't exist. Just old, unique, beautiful homes. I don't enjoy driving - not at all, but 5. I'm thankful that I can drive, and have that independence (my female students from Saudi Arabia are forbidden to drive by law) - and Seth is so nice to me, 

5. he always drives when we're together, and I get to look out the windows at all the pretty trees and houses.

Well, you might be looking at these pictures and wondering where the apples are. - They didn't have apples to pick.... "What!?" you say? Yep, no apples for picking because it got so warm in March that all the apple blossoms emerged in full glory, only to be crushed by frost and snow in April. Sad day! So, they did have some apples, but not ripe for picking. We'll try back again later in the Fall. And they had Concord grapes for picking, so we thought we'd mosey over there and take a look (taste). But, we didn't like them very much. There is a reason these are mostly only made into juice and jam. It should stay that way. So we didn't get any.

6. But it was such a beautiful day! The sun was shining bright and it was nice and warm, but not hot.

7. And we got that Baby Bjorn Carrier for $10 second hand! It is so convenient.

8. John can hold his head up most of the time now! Can you believe it! He is getting so strong.

9. And it was amazing that I made it all the way to the grape vines. They were a lot farther than we anticipated, and I walked all the way (probably the equivalent of my street) there. I am so thankful to be able to walk, which has been extremely difficult since my delivery, well and that awful rash too. Not being able to walk makes you realize what a blessing it is, and how easy it is to take for granted! So I am very grateful I can walk, even if it is haltingly. I will get better and better, and I'm thankful for that.

10. And I am grateful that terrible rash is gone, and my skin is whole again. Skin is an amazing thing. Whenever I read Stephanie Nielsen's blog, http://nieniedialogues.com/ or watch THIS VIDEO, I am amazed at her courage and faith, and I am thankful for my skin.

11. And John's skin! He's so soft, and I could kiss his chubby cheeks all day long. And I do!

After Eddy's, we thought we would venture over to their competition, Patterson's. We didn't get to see the orchard really because they didn't have apples for picking either, so that was a bummer. We are still loyal to Eddy's though.

12. I love talking to Seth, he's my best friend. (and he's so good looking! see pic above :) He is so fun to spend time with, and I loved getting to be with both my boys for the whole day!

We went to 5 Guys for dinner. We've never gone there together, and we ordered our burgers and a regular fry to share. The fries filled half the bag, so it's good we only got 1! And, little did we know that the regular burgers have 2 patties! I took one of mine off (Seth ate it, and the extra fries for breakfast on Sunday - nutritious :)

13. While we were waiting for our food, an elderly lady came and sat by me and asked to see my baby. She was very adoring, and asked me all about how I was doing. She seemed genuinely concerned for me. I thought it was a bit strange really. But later, after I pondered the occasion, I realized that this woman probably had children of her own, and she remembered how difficult it is, the recovery, and learning how to be a parent for the first time. I told her I was grateful and doing well, and she said, "And you're young and healthy. That's wonderful."

14. It is wonderful to be young. My good friend, Myrtle, is in her late 70's, and she struggles so much with the difficulties of again. She helps me realize what a blessing it is to be young.

15. Although, I don't feel as healthy or as strong as I'd like to be, and I don't know if I'll ever have the same health I enjoyed in high school, I am healthy in many many ways, and there are a billion ailments that I certainly do not have, and there's always hope for improvement.

16. We got home from our adventures, and Seth did his cardio workout. He just joined a gym this month, and he wants to be healthy and feel in shape. I am thankful that Seth has been blessed with such good health, and that he is willing to work to keep it that way.

 Later that night, Seth had Bishopric Meeting (he's the ward clerk - 

17. I am thankful that my husband serves faithfully in the church and honors the priesthood that he holds) 

and afterward they were going to watch the BYU-Utah football game until way late at night. 

18. I received some thoughtful gifts from my mother-in-law, Jeena, and from my mom and dad. I am thankful to have a loving family. As our family has expanded I have truly felt my love grow for all my family members on both sides. I am in awe of the wonderful establishment of the family, and especially of all mothers. I am amazed at what my mother and Seth's mom did to raise families of 7 children, and also of what our fathers did to support them. I was touched as I read THIS TALK, "He Truly Loves Us," by Elder Koelliker about how much God loves each of us, especially because He's blessed us with families. "Because of the heaven-designed pattern of the family, we more fully understand how our Heavenly Father truly loves each of us equally and fully."

19. So I was on my own for the evening, and I decided to watch the movie, The Blindside, that my mom sent me as part of my birthday gift. It was very funny and so inspiring. I did cry, it's true. This true story touches my heart. It shows that there are good people in every circumstance, rich and poor, black and white. My brother and sister were born into a situation similar to Michael Oher. I thank the Lord that they are part of our family now, and that they are safe and have opportunities they never could have had otherwise.

20. I was up late on Saturday night, and this is what I saw.

So peaceful and serene, I just gazed in wonder at my little miracle, a real angel. This moment made me think of the poem by William Wordsworth, 

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:

The soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar:

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy! 

21. Seth made me German pancakes with cinnamon apples for breakfast - delicious!

22. I was able to go to sacrament meeting with my family, all 3 of us got to sit together. I am so glad that I get to sit next to my husband in church. It might not always be so, and I'll enjoy it now. I truly enjoyed singing the hymns with all the people there. And now that I am no longer pregnant, I'm not so out of breath anymore - my lungs have a bit more room.

22. We made fajita salads for lunch with peppers and tomatoes from our very own garden - sad I didn't take a picture of it, so I'll include this one. I LOVE having a garden and being able to go outside and get the food I need for making meals. It is just a miracle to see this food grow from tiny seeds that we planted.

Yes, this is all from our garden (and we grew baby tomatoes and cucumbers too)

And I watched THIS VIDEO (press CC for closed caption if you don't speak Spanish) - I love their lifestyle - Seth showed it to me because he knew I'd love it, and he regretted it because I watched it 3 times!

23. Seth made me this delicious salmon dinner. It was awesome! Best salmon I've ever had. I am so thankful for a husband that is willing to make dinner (quite often), is a great cook, and who's willing to eat anything I make (which isn't always very good).

24. We got to skype with my family from 4 different states. I am thankful for technology which makes that possible. I just love our family! We got to listen to my sister read her patriarchal blessing, which she recently received. It was amazing. It really helped me to see her for her divine potential. She's a wonderful person, who is doing and who will do so much good in the world. 

25. Seth gave me a wonderful massage for my birthday - I love massages! It's pretty much one of my favorite things to do, get a massage. 

26. Seth also got me a picnic table for my birthday (unfortunately, I haven't been able to use it since the delivery, and now it's cold outside) It will be awesome next year, though! And he also let me buy my brother-in-law's Nikon DX camera. It is so fancy! And I don't really know how to use it, but it takes way better pictures than our old camera, and I am excited to learn more about photography.

It was an excellent birthday, and I have so many more than 26 blessings! (Next year, I'll count 27 :) I am grateful to the Lord for all that He's given me. I love my life.

Autumn Reflections

I would like to be sleeping right now, and probably should, but I'm a bit like my son in that I can't sleep when I'm over-tired. And I have all these thoughts meandering, and sometimes whizzing through my head. So I thought I would try to compile them in the hope that I can figure myself out, and perhaps these thoughts may help someone else. 

So they say it's Autumn again... and a few days ago I saw a tree with it's leaves turning red... Autumn is my favorite time of year, especially in Ohio, but I didn't feel ready to see those red leaves yet. Autumn is such a fleeting time, and then cold and gray come oh too soon. I didn't feel ready to see those leaves yet because I feel as though I missed this summer... It passed me by. 

It seems like almost this whole summer I've been stuck inside my house. The reason being that I got an extremely unpleasant rash - no, that is not strong enough language, let's call it a miserable nightmare-ishly horrific - rash for 5 weeks. (You might not believe me, so I will add just 1 picture of 1 part of it to convince you of the hideously painful state I was in). 

It ended up covering my calves and then spreading to parts of my hamstrings, ankles, shins and feet - it cost us over $200 to try to cure it. Not fun. My angel husband was so kind and helpful. He went out so many times to buy more ice or get different prescriptions and possible remedies for me. He made endless ice packs for me (it was the only thing that helped - otherwise I may have itched and burned into insanity) and helped me prop up my legs on the ice. The swelling from being 9 months pregnant and the heat of summer made it so much worse. I had to ice my legs every hour for 2 weeks - not much sleep - I guess it was preparation for parenthood. To say the least, it was a miserable experience. Seth gave me a priesthood blessing that helped me to have the strength to get through it. In it, I was blessed that I would make a full recovery, and that the Lord knows me perfectly, and He knows my pain and all my suffering - that this suffering is helping me to prepare for eternal life, and that God would strengthen me to bear my burdens.

I am thankful that I got through it, and that insidious rash has gone away now. But it still makes me a little sad to think of all the summer days that I wanted to be out on a walk, enjoying the sunshine, or at the pool getting some much needed relief and exercise, or out in my garden - harvesting all our hard work and making delicious things out of it. 

This feeling of missing the summer reminds me of a summer 5 years ago. Could it be that long ago? That summer was the first of our marriage. I thought it would be such a happy summer. I was filled with anticipation for that summer because we were going to have a baby. I couldn't help but tell everyone I saw because I was so excited to be a mother! ... But then I got sick. so sick. But all the doctors couldn't tell me what it was. I got so weak that I couldn't walk, my throat got so bad that I couldn't eat. It felt like I was dying. Maybe I was. I was so worried about that sweet baby, and how he/she could survive when I was in such a state. 

Finally we saw an ENT doctor who diagnosed me with severe cases of mononucleosis and tonsillitis. For almost 3 months, I laid, bedridden, on the couch. I was alone at home whenever Seth had to be at work or school. My angel sister, Hannah came to take care of me for a week, but she couldn't stay forever. A lot of thoughts and worries came as I lay there alone. It got so bad that the doctor said if I didn't improve within a week, I'd have to have surgery to remove my tonsils, and the general anesthesia might make it impossible for our baby to survive... Seth gave me a priesthood blessing which promised me help to heal from the Lord, and that these experiences would help me to be a better mother, and that I would love my children more because of them. 

I thought for sure this meant that the baby would be ok, I would get better and the baby would survive. Our whole family fasted and prayed for us, and I improved, so I wouldn't have to have the surgery yet. The day I started walking again, I felt so much hope. I had a doctors appointment that day for my 13 week check-up. We went in for the ultrasound. The technician was silent. I asked, implored her to tell me what was going on. She said nothing and left the room. I held Seth's hand so tight and said I was scared. He told me not to be scared and not to worry, but there was fear in his voice too. The doctor came in and did another ultrasound... we heard nothing. There was no heart beat.

Seth put his arms around me and cried as I lay there on the examination table. I remember hearing myself sob, as if that sound was coming from another world. I had never felt pain or despair like that. 

I had a D&C that week. As I walked into the hospital I saw a pregnant woman and I felt so sad, so envious, even angry that it wasn't me. Hospitals should be happy places where babies are born. but not for me.

I was heartbroken. We had to un-tell everyone. That made it worse to relive it every time I tried to explain. Well meaning people who loved us tried to relate, they tried to comfort me. But often, they said the worst things that made me feel terrible. They would tell me horror stories and say, "At least you don't have it that bad." They would say, "I know exactly how you feel." But they really didn't, they couldn't. The most horrible comment was "At least you don't have a defective baby." But I wanted any baby... People would ask me, they still ask me, why it happened. What was the cause? I didn't know, but I didn't want to know, I just wanted my baby.

Seth and I took a road trip all across the country to see our family. I felt like I was trying to run away from that living room that I had been in for the last 3 months, to run away from my sorrows, from my nightmares. But they stayed with me. While we were on the trip I looked in the mirror. I had lost 20 pounds of muscle mass, I hadn't seen the sun all summer. I felt like I was a skeleton of myself. I told Seth that I couldn't do anything I used to do, that I didn't even know who I was anymore. 

Seth sat me down, took me in his arms, and told me, "Emily, You are not your achievements. It doesn't matter what you can do right now. You are a daughter of God. That's who you are, and who you'll always be." It was profound and true. I knew it was true, but I had a hard time feeling it.

I was so upset. I was angry. I wanted to blame someone, but not God. Because deep down, I knew that He is a loving, all-knowing God. He could see farther than I could. But I wanted to place the blame somewhere, so I placed it on myself. I felt washed over with guilt. I hated feeling so sad. I thought that if I just had enough faith and gratitude and trust in the Lord, that I wouldn't feel so badly. So I tried to bury my feelings with work. I had to finish half of the 16 credit semester that I'd missed. And I loaded 16 more credits on myself, had 2 jobs, and I even joined the debate team. I had my tonsillectomy - one of the most painful experiences I'd ever had - that semester too. And I got a 4.0 for both semesters. I pushed myself hard...too hard. I wanted all the work to bury the pain, but it didn't.

Yes, that summer passed, and the Fall came. I didn't feel ready for it. I didn't know what would come in the future. I didn't know that I would face many more surgeries and procedures, severe chronic illness and pain for years, tens of doctors who couldn't help me, more than $40,000 in medical bills, and even another miscarriage and with it more grief and sorrow.

But without those experiences, the sorrow, the longing, the loneliness, the years of waiting, I never could have loved Seth or John as much as I do. It would have been easier to take them for granted. I never would have know how much Seth loves me, how much he is willing to care for my every need and comfort me in times of despair, for he has waited on me hand a foot, night and day. He has comforted me, has forgiven my many shortcomings, has strengthened my faith, and has been so patient. The blessing he gave me those years ago was prophetic. I am a better mother and wife, a more grateful wife and mother because of those experiences. I have more compassion, humility and love.

The scriptures have brought me so much comfort and insight over the years. It is one of the ways the Lord speaks to me. In The Book of Mormon, a prophet named Lehi followed the commandments of the Lord, but hard things still happened to him. He did exactly what the Lord wanted him to,

"And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him; yea, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast out, and stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take it away. But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." (1 Nephi 1:20)

Now as I look back, and even during all these experiences, I have seen the tender mercies of the Lord, and his power of deliverance, when I have had faith in Him. I can see how the Lord was shaping me, refining me, preparing me for more difficult trials ahead, how He loved me and strengthened me. I can see how He blessed me. He gave me opportunities to grow and learn that I wouldn't have had if I'd been able to choose my path. He helped me get a master's degree in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, and He helped me get a job in that field so that I could touch the lives of many people from different places and to learn from them. He made it possible for Seth and I to be temple workers for 2 and a half years. That has been such a blessing to us. All this time that we've had to ourselves has helped us to build a strong and happy marriage. All the struggle that we have waded through together has made it so we understand each other better, and love each other more. We have had many happy times, and we have been blessed abundantly, and the Savior's Atonement has softened the hurt for us. And time has helped our wounds to heal.

Recently, 2 people whom I love dearly have also had miscarriages, and others have had very difficult challenges. Normally, I would write these very personal thoughts in my private journal, but I felt that I should share this with you, that perhaps it may help someone to know they are not alone, that God loves them, and that they can make it through their afflictions. I've learned that life is hard...not just for me...but for everyone. Trials don't disappear, they just change throughout life.

To all those out there who are suffering, 

all those who feel lonely, sad or angry,

all those who long to have a loving and faithful spouse or who have lost one, 

all those whose deepest desire is to have and raise children and yet find themselves without them, 

all those who have felt the excitement of finally finding out they are pregnant  - and have, in their minds, dreamed of baby shoes, first words, pushing a stroller with precious cargo, ballet recitals, soccer games, baptisms, band concerts, missions, temple marriages and more - and who then have felt their dreams and their heart break when there was no heart beat anymore...

all those who have had children and lost them,

all those who have children now and who feel so inadequate and wonder how they can possibly do this,

for any who are suffering, for all of us - my heart reaches out to yours and my prayers are for you.

I don't "know exactly how you feel." That's just not possible because every experience and every person is different. But I do know someone who does know exactly how you feel, and that is our Savior, even Jesus Christ. Now that I can look back, I can see, through it all, that He was with me all the way. He knew the way because He has already walked it. He carried me when I couldn't go another step, and He will do the same for you. I know that a loving Heavenly Father was and is watching me and you every moment. He does hear all our prayers and He sees every tear we shed. He wants to come to our rescue every time, but He also knows exactly what is best for us and He loves us. 

I've been thinking, as I listen to one of the most terrible sounds I've ever heard - my baby crying. When I know that I've done everything I could for him, met all his needs, and that he needs to sleep now, it is so hard for me not to run to him to pick him up and hold him. But I know, from experience, that if I just let him cry for a few more minutes - which seem endless at the time - that he will fall into a deep sound sleep, get the rest he needs, and wake up happy. I have wondered if it is like that sometimes for Heavenly Father. As He watches us struggle, He wants to answer our prayers and give us our heartfelt and righteous desires right away, but He knows with a surety that if He lets us cry for just a bit longer, if He lets us struggle just a bit more, if He lets us search just a bit farther, we will be stronger, more compassionate, wiser, and more humble and patient. And in the end, He will make everything right. 

Twice in the Book of Revelation, we have this beautiful promise: 

“For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.” (Revelation 7:17)

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, not crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” (Revelation 21:7)

Seth and I just finished reading Alma in The Book of Mormon which is full of years of the horrors of war and famine. I used to feel like it was kind of a drag to read all the war chapters, but now I can see that there is so much to be learned from them - for we're all in the middle of a war. We are fighting to overcome obstacles, trials and temptations of every kind. At the end of Alma it says, 

“…because of the exceedingly great length of the war between the Nephites and Lamanites many had become hardened, because of the exceedingly great length of the war; and many were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility.” (Alma 62:41)

We can't choose our trials, but we can choose who we will become because of them. I  can look back on these past years, which have been full of afflictions and sorrow, as a time which has softened me and humbled me to the depth of humility, and I am grateful. These times have helped me to see what matters most, and be grateful for my blessings. 

They have helped me to cherish the simple moments, like looking into these blue eyes,

and to be so thankful that my life is connected with these two special souls.

I can and will choose to be happy and treasure the small things in life that really do bring true joy. Even though my trials are certainly not over, maybe they've just begun, and I'm still in the middle of the war, I can let this be a happy time just like the people in Moroni's time. 

“Behold there never was a happier time among the people of Nephi, since the days of Nephi, than in the days of Moroni, yea, even at this time.” (Alma 50:23)

It could be considered a wonder that these people were so happy, in light of the fact that they had just finished one of the most terrible parts of the war, and were about to begin another which would be even worse. But if you read carefully, you'll find the answer of how this miracle is possible. 

"And thus we see how merciful and just are all the dealings of the Lord, to the fulfilling of all his words unto the children of men; yea, we can behold that his words are verified, even at this time, which he spake unto Lehi, saying: Blessed art thou and thy children; and they shall be blessed, inasmuch as they will not keep my commandments they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. …And those who were faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord were delivered at all times…" (Alma 50:19-22)

It's through faith and trust in the Lord and obedience to His commandments that we can be happy despite any difficulties, and we can see His hand continually in our lives. May this be so for all of us, whatever war we are fighting.

So, this Autumn will come whether I feel ready or not, and the winter after that. I don't know what is in store for me or my family, but I feel the future is bright, and I will embrace it and walk with faith, one step at a time into the darkness, knowing that the Lord will shine a light upon my path. And I will enjoy the Autumn leaves along the way.